


Deus Sex Machina

by violetmessages



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Aliens Made Them Do It, Case Fic, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, F/M, Humor, M/M, Team Dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:47:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26208142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetmessages/pseuds/violetmessages
Summary: In which Gwen and Rhys' anniversary party lead to the discovery of alien drug-lords.
Relationships: Gwen Cooper/Rhys Williams, Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 1
Kudos: 26





	Deus Sex Machina

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think Tosh, Owen, or Ianto lived long enough for Gwen and Rhys to have an anniversary party, so for plot purposes this fits nowhere in canon.

One of Tosh’s program alarms rang and Jack jolted awake. 

He was lying on the floor of the Hub, completely naked, with no recollection of why. He’d woken up like this before, but usually they involved strangers, beds, and hypervodka. And never in the Hub. What had happened last night?

Jack rolled over on his side to see Ianto, also naked and passed out next to him. _Ah_ he thought. _Ianto and I must have had a fun night._

Then he noticed what was going on in the rest of the Hub. All of the members of Torchwood Three (plus Rhys) were on the ground, unconscious and similarly naked. 

“Shit”

The sound of his echoing voice must have woken up Ianto because he rolled over onto his front and started making the groaning sounds he made when he didn’t want to get up. 

“Get up everyone!” he yelled. 

Gwen shot up

“Whatzit-whazhappening?” she mumbled. 

Her eyes darted across the room as she got a better look at her surroundings and then she immediately covered her chest with her arms. 

“What the fuck?” she asked, looking at Jack in shock. 

“Stop yelling Gwen, it’s too bloody early” slurred Rhys from next to her. 

“Get up Rhys!” she yelled again. 

Tosh blearily started rubbing her eyes and slowly sat up. Owen muttered curses under his breath and Gwen smacked Rhys until he sat up as well.

“What!” Rhys yelled. This proved to be the catalyst for the rest of them waking up, and six pairs of eyes met in panic. 

“What the fucking fuck happened?” shouted Owen. 

“I don’t-what were we doing last night? Wasn’t it Gwen and Rhys’ anniversary party?” Tosh asked, wide eyed. 

“I don’t remember,” said Ianto, who was staring determinedly down at his lap where both hands were covering his crotch. 

“Neither-neither do I,” said Rhys, tomato red. They all stared at each other awkwardly until Jack cleared his throat. They stared at him, eyes wide with shock.

“Shall we go find our clothes?” laughed Jack. 

* * *

They discovered their clothes in the conference room, along with many beer bottles, several wine bottles, and a fully empty handle of vodka.

“That might explain it,” said Ianto, pointing towards the drinks. 

“I don’t think that I’d ever be drunk enough to have an orgy with you,” sneered Owen. “I have standards.”

“Evidently not,” Ianto snapped back. 

“I don’t think that it’s the alcohol either,” said Tosh. “I mean, Jack doesn’t drink and he was naked too.”

“Well when does Jack need an excuse to get naked?” asked Owen.

“Hey hey hey! I know what consent is!” said Jack, gesticulating. “I wouldn’t have a drunken orgy if I was sober.”

“How many drunken orgies have you had?” exclaimed Rhys, turning red again. 

Jack leered at him. 

“Stop it Jack, we have to focus!” exclaimed Gwen. “What could have caused this!”

“Maybe someone sprayed us with some kind of drug?” Rhys offered.

“No, the Hub would have gone into lockdown if anything had been released into the air.” said Tosh.

“What about some kind of alien possession?” Owen asked.

“Any form of alien invasion would also trigger a Hub lockdown.” Tosh said, rolling her eyes.

“We _could_ just check the CCTV?” Ianto said. 

They all turned to stare at him.

“You have CCTV?” Rhys asked. 

“Obviously,” Ianto said. “It’s not called a secret base for nothing. Tosh can bring it up on the screen.”

They all pivoted at Tosh who looked quite sheepish for not remembering. She pulled out her PDA and started tapping at it.

“There, it should be on the screen now. Fast-forwarding to when Rhys show up-”

The black and white screen showed Rhys entering. Tosh fast-forwarded the video through dinner.

After dinner in the conference room, everyone except Jack looked sufficiently buzzed. Owen had brought out the now-empty bottle of vodka. Evidently there had been some kind of competition, because Rhys, Owen, Gwen, and Ianto quickly chugged down their beers and grabbed shot glasses. Tosh continued sipping at her wine until Owen said something to her, and she grabbed a shot glass as well. Jack looked on in clear amusement. 

It didn't look like the game they were playing had any rules, but the object seemed to be drinking the most. Three shots in, all of them were very drunk. Gwen giggled at random intervals. Tosh was rocking side to side, and Ianto seized Jack’s collar and yanked him down for a very sloppy kiss until Jack seemed drunk as well. 

It wasn’t until when they ran out of vodka that things descended into chaos. They all stared at each other for a minute. Then they started tearing their clothes off. Rhys and Owen began making out. Jack snatched Toshiko and dipped her into a kiss. Ianto and Gwen grabbed each other and Gwen slammed him into the wall, rocking her body against his. 

“Turn it off!” shouted Owen. 

Tosh fast-forwarded the recording and they watched the sixsome quietly at 2x speed. When the figures finally stopped moving and passed out, Tosh turned off the screen. 

No one spoke for a minute. 

Finally, Ianto said, “I suppose it was the alcohol after all.”

They stayed silent, contemplating what Ianto had said until Owen shook his head. 

“No way. Alcohol didn’t cause that. Plus Jack doesn’t even drink.” he said

“What other explanation is there?” said Tosh wearily. 

“It can’t be that. I want to test it for alien interference.” Owen responded.

“Fine, you can do that Owen but the rest of us need to get back to work. Rhys, as much fun as your party was, I need you to leave now.” said Jack rising out of his chair. 

“Come on, I’ll walk you out.” said Gwen shakily. Rhys clasped her hand and they both walked out of the conference room without saying a word. 

Owen turned to Tosh and smirked.

“Ten pounds they have an argument about this.” he said. 

“Owen!” scowled Tosh. “Do you _have_ to sound so pleased!”

“What! I’m just saying!” he said. Owen turned to Ianto and raised his eyebrows smugly. Ianto frowned and looked away. 

Jack looked mildly interested, but shook his head fondly. 

“Get to work,” he ordered. 

* * *

The day passed in a haze, with everyone avoiding each other, except for Jack, who didn’t seem affected in the slightest. Ianto started to clean up the conference room mess. Gwen went to work redacting the police reports from their last altercation with them. Tosh was typing away at her station after Jack assured her that he would remove the CCTV footage himself. Privately Owen thought that he was keeping it as wanking material.

He’d managed to extract a few drops from the vodka, wine, and beer, and ran them through the GC-mass spectrometer. While he waited for the tests to run, he annoyed Ianto into making coffee, then finished up his late autopsy reports. 

The computer finally chimed, indicating that his tests were done. He opened up the results. The spectroscopy reports for the wine and beer seemed completely normal. Then he opened up the vodka report.

“Fuck!” he swore loudly.

Ianto, Gwen, and Tosh came over, clearly confused. Ianto gave him a quizzical frown. 

“I was right!” Owen said triumphantly. “Just wait till His Nibs comes over and I’ll prove it. Jack, get your poncy arse over here!”

Jack did indeed arrive, wearing a patented Jack smirk. He smiled indulgently at Owen. 

“You shouted?” he asked. 

“I knew alcohol wouldn’t make me have an orgy and I was right! Take a look at this.” he said, pointing to the screen. “This is what’s in the vodka.”

“What is it?” asked Tosh.

“It’s been laced with some kind of phenethylamine substitute, and an altered form of androstadienol that isn’t found in humans.”

“English please?” asked Gwen confused. 

“We’ve been drugged. MDMA and an alien sex inducer. Like some kind of sex pollen that makes us all horny. But that’s not all. I also found compound B67, commonly known as-”

“Retcon,” Jack finished for him. 

“Yeah,” he said. 

“Hang on, how come Jack doesn’t remember anything if he didn’t drink the vodka?” asked Ianto. 

“Not sure. I think it might have been extremely concentrated, so even a small amount must have affected Jack. I’m guessing you gave lover-boy a snog and it drugged him too.” replied Owen smirking. 

Ianto glared at him, but the satisfaction was enough to make up for it. 

“So someone has been selling alien sex inducing vodka laced with retcon. That makes it our business now.” Jack said. “Who bought the vodka anyway?”

“Owen,” said Tosh. “He was the one who took out the vodka from his desk.”

 _Shite_ , he thought. _Busted already_.

“Where did you get it from?” asked Jack.

“Honestly I don’t remember. I think I bought it a month ago.” Owen replied. 

“Well, then it’s time to go looking through your receipts,” said Jack with a gleam in his eye. “We’ve got an alien drug dealer to catch.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos/Comments are appreciated!
> 
> Find me on tumblr [here](https://violetmessages.tumblr.com/)


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